The kits are not alright…

Been a strange week or so for kits. Liverpool did brilliantly to set a new club record and score seven at NK Maribor, but they did it playing in all-orange. You half expected to see Johan Cruyff bamboozling a Maribor full-back. Man United held out for a dire 0-0 draw at Anfield while wearing grey, the very same-coloured kit that once caused Sir Alex Ferguson to make his players change their kit at half-time, supposedly because they couldn't see each other in grey at Southampton.Then there was Scotland failing to qualify for the World Cup while wearing luminescent pink. I'm all for breaking down gender stereotypes, but even so, it still reminded me of the garish pink of my daughters' My Little Pony toys. At least purple might have had Scottish heather associations. In fact it wasn't so long ago that West Ham had an all-purple away kit, which was very Essex. While Manchester City used to wear a luminous green cycle courier away kit and recently won at Chelsea wearing claret and blue. Call me old-fashioned, but shouldn't away kits have something to do with a club's traditional colours?

Redemption of Fellaini, the man who is more than just hair and elbows

It's hard not to feel pleased for the much-derided Marouane Fellaini, who has just scored twice for Manchester United against Crystal Palace. When he was signed by David Moyes he came to signify all that was wrong with post-Sir Alex Ferguson Man United. Fellaini was a big lumbering lump, not mobile, slow, all elbows. He arrived in the same season as Juan Mata, and the Guardian's Barney Ronay describers the little and large Moyes signings as looking like, "an odd couple, man-child double act in a John Steinbeck novella." 

Yet if you take a look at what Fellaini has won in his United career it's just about everything. He won an FA Cup with Louis Van Gaal and last season added a League Cup and Europa League to his trophy haul. That's three more trophies than, say, Harry Kane and Deli Alli have won while Alexis Sanchez has only an FA Cup. He's also human, and one of the first things Jose Mourinho did at United was to say that Fellaini was part of his plans. Perhaps he just needed to feel the love after the Moyes disaster. 

This season the 29-year-old Fellaini could quite conceivably add a league title to his trophy haul. So he can't really be that bad a player. United rarely lose when he plays, and Mourinho knows when to use a big man who scores goals and can play in a variety of positions. All those adaptation of Leonard Cohen saying, "So long Marouane," have proved a little premature.

Jose's bunch of animals

What is it about Jose Mourinho and cuddly animals? After Man United's win at Swansea he announced that he "let the horses run free." 

Jose has form for this kind of thing. Before a game against  Basel in 2013 Mourinho likened his Chelsea players to, "beautiful young eggs, eggs that need a mum, in this case a dad, to take care of them”. What, even David Luiz? Mourinho then gushed: “And one day we'll arrive in a moment when the weather changes, the sun rises, we break the eggs and the eggs are ready to go for life at the top level."

Jose also used eggs in a rambling omelette metaphor at Chelsea, coming over like a Portuguese superchef: “Omelettes, eggs. No eggs, no omelette. And it depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket, you have eggs class one, class two, class three. Some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go, there you have a problem.”

Back in 2006 Mourinho was more concerned about swans, telling a press conference: “What's football compared to life? A swan with bird flu, for me that's a drama."

So we've had horses, swans and eggs and quite possibly Jose will soon unleash the dogs of war (or at least Marouane Fellaini). Could Mourinho be a frustrated farmer? If it doesn't work out at Man United then he just might  get a role on Countryfile.

Could aliens be trying to kidnap Jose's brain?

It's not often you find a link between Jose Mourinho and Star Trek. After Man United's draw against Everton Jose Mourinho said of Luke Shaw: "He had a good performance, but  it was with his body and my brain. Because he was in front of me and I made every decision for him." 

Which reminded me of Spock's Brain, one of the most infamous Star Trek episodes ever made and commonly thought to be the worst of the original series. In Spock's Brain a mysterious female alien arrives on the bridge of the USS Enterprise, incapacitates the crew and surgically removes Spock's brain. Luckily Dr McCoy manages to keep Spock's brainless body functioning and Captain Kirk manages to ascertain that Spock's brain is being used as a computer to run an underground city on the planet Sigma Draconis V1. Luckily Dr McCoy, fired up with alien knowledge from the city's Teacher, manages to perform a reverse brain transplant and restore Spock's brain into his body.

A DISTANT SHAW
Mourinho's all-powerful brain seems to have similar properties to Spock's brain, which makes you wonder if there are currently alien races planning to kidnap Jose's brain and use it as the controller of their underground city, or at least to gee up an under-performing left-back. It's something for Nasa to work on.

Perhaps the most accurate summation of Mourinho's comments came from Ian Wright on Match of the Day 2, who suggested that Shaw had had a successful career at Southampton before Mourinho, earning a £30m move to Man United, and that Jose was, "having himself." While Shaw himself probably wishes that Jose's brain was somewhere in the Sigma Draconis system. Most illogical, Captain.

Ibrahimovic: When genius and ego go hand in hand

Zlatan Ibrahimovic always knew he was going to score. There’s a hint of Cantona about the way the Swede has galvanised Man United and helped the club take home an undeserved League Cup. Like Eric, he looks around Old Trafford and thinks is the club big enough for me rather than vice versa. That outstretched arms celebration (the angel of the north-west?) declares never mind the gaffer, I am the Special One. This is a man who can state, in all seriousness, “I am a lion” and casually mentions his 32 trophies in the post-match interviews.

Zlatan might have an ego the size of the Shard (as does Ronaldo who even has his own CR9 crockery) but it is his self-belief that separates him from other players. In his book What Sport Tells Us About Life, former cricketer Ed Smith makes a convincing case that genius, arrogance and even madness are often bedfellows. He agues that Zinedine Zidane headbutted Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup Final partly because he was convinced that he would score the winning goal in his final game. Only when Buffon made a great save from Zidane’s header in the 104^th minute, the French talisman short-circuited. Discovering his triumph was not inevitable, Zidane exploded when Materazzi gave him some verbal abuse and was sent off for that infamous butt.

THE LION KING

Mathew Syed writes in Bounce how many players and athletes turn to God, believing that Divine help will cause them to succeed. It might not make sense, but the elimination of doubt does seem to have a positive effect in sport. Brian Clough (like Zlatan a number nine) said when he was appointed at Hartlepool: “Age does not count. It’s what you know about football that matters. I know I am better than the 500 or so managers who have been sacked since the war. If they had known anything about the game they wouldn’t have lost their jobs."

Tony Cascarino revealed in his book Full Time how he was beset by doubts, choking when one-on-one with the keeper. You can’t imagine Ibrahimovic hesitating. He knows he will score because in his own mind he is the best. As he said after scoring that late header against Southampton at Wembley: “I look good. I know I look good. I feel fresh. I feel good. I feel like an animal… I came when people thought it was impossible for me to do what I am able to do. It feels good. I am enjoying it. The important thing is what I believed. What I predicted. That is exactly what I am doing.”

Is Mourinho about to become Special again?

There’s a revealing insight in Duncan Hamilton’s Provided You Don’t Kiss Me where Hamilton, then a journalist at the Nottingham Evening Post, wonders why Clough is so excited at beating Leyton Orient to win the Anglo-Scottish Cup with Nottingham Forest in 1976. Clough explains that winning he first trophy is always the most difficult.

Jose Mourinho probably has similar sentiments about the League Cup — he has made a habit of making it his first trophy. During his initial spell at Chelsea the Blues lifted the trophy in 2005, beating Liverpool 3-2. When he returned to Stamford Bridge his side again won the trophy in 2015, beating Spurs 2-0.

It’s possible that Southampton could pull off a Bobby-Stokes-type shock on Sunday and repeat their 1976 FA Cup Final triumph against United. But without the departed Fonte and injured Van Dijk it’s surely doubtful the Saints defence can hold out against Ibrahimovic, a player with a Shard-sized ego, but who produces on the big occasion. Despite United's fixture congestion you'd also expect Mourinho to come up with some winning tactical ploys. 

HE'S NOT CHURLISH ANYMORE?

When Mourinho becomes playful instead of churlish, the signs are he’s on the way to trophies. The master defensive tactician has been mischievously boasting about the attacking football his team are playing. “We were phenomenal, at Man United you have to play in a certain way,” he gushed after a win against Watford. He even called his old charges at Chelsea “very defensive.” The last time he looked this confident was when he started talking at Chelsea about his team being, “Beautiful young eggs, eggs that need a mum, in this case a dad, to take care of them.”

His work has been impressive at United so far. The club has spent a fortune since Ferguson left (Di Maria anyone?) and are still over-reliant on a 35-year-old striker. But since a 4-0 hammering at Chelsea United have gone 16 games unbeaten in the league.

Mourinho made big statements early. He didn’t include World Cup winner Sebastien Schweinsteiger in the squad and dropped Wayne Rooney — though his man management appears to have been good enough to ensure Rooney is still behind the team. He’s refusing to play the £27 million left back Luke Shaw because the men in possession of the shirts are doing well. When Jones and Rojo were doing well as a centre back pairing earlier this season they retained their places.

Above all Jose seems to coaxing the likes of Mata and Herrera into becoming better team players and getting consistent performances from the lesser stars like Valencia. He’s challenged players like Mkhitaryan to produce in his system and they have. While he’s even praising Marouane Fellaini (at some personal risk, the Belgian’s hug after scoring agains Hull nearly smothered the diminutive Mourinho) and emphasizing how important he is to the group.

Should United win the League Cup they could then challenge for the Europa League and FA Cup this season the title next season. At present there’s a jauntiness about Mourinho — he even clapped Blackburn’s goal against United in the FA Cup — that suggests the Special One might be back.